Illusion of Delusion
by WanderingMagician
Summary: If you shift just a few minor pieces in someone's life, what do you get? Kirigaya Kazuto wakes up from his 2-year stay in Sword Art Online frail and lost, reborn unto a world that he no longer recognizes - One he had never felt at home at. In Aincrad, he had been something, but Tokyo was his reality, and what is real is: He had nothing, had never had anything. Or did he?
1. For a second only

_Day 0._

 _The first thought he remembered having was-_

 _It's bright._

Too bright, in fact – So much so that, as the light filtered through his closed eyelids and into his cornea, Kazuto's eyes seemed to ache a little. He took a second to curse that in his mind.

He deserved to have this final moment before his death, god damn it. After everything he'd been through, everyone he had lost-

Lost.

Kazuto felt the alarming lack of any feeling in his arms and legs. However, most importantly, he felt his arms and legs. They ached in the back of his mind. Was—Was he supposed to feel like this?  
Was he supposed to feel anything at all? A mere moment ago, Kazuto held Asuna Yuuki in his arms and felt as their body disintegrated to travel to the great beyond, watching in their last seconds as what remained of the beautiful castle in the sky crumble to dust and fall to the unending void below.

He had accepted his untimely demise. Feared it, of course. Cried for it, obviously. But he had accepted it.

So… Was this it?

Kazuto felt his eyes flutter open, then close almost as quickly as the light filtered in without anything to protect his apparently tender eyes. Instinctively, he moved his arm to cover his eyes, shield his gaze from the brightness.

Only to feel something pulling, resisting, even as he managed. Was that… a rope? No. A tube?

Kazuto's eyes opened at last, for real this time. White walls and an equally white ceiling greeted him, almost tauntingly. Or was he picturing that? He couldn't be sure.

This… There was no way this could be real. And yet, something deep inside him, behind the searing agony in his chest, told him, clear as day even amidst his short-lived panic:

It was.

His heart fluttered painfully in his chest. His heartbeats grew erratic, and he felt the soft beeping of the machinery to his right – so soft, in fact, he had barely even noticed it was there until now – turn quick and erratic.

 _It wasn't supposed to.  
It wasn't supposed to be beating at all._

And yet, it was.

Kazuto struggled to raise from his position even as his back ached and screamed for him to stop. He need to-

Asuna.

He-

Kazuto managed to sit up, at least, and, as he stopped his effort, the aching ceased to torment him. The hospital gown was loose, and the fabric itched against his skin – Pale, it was so god damn pale – as if his body itself was screaming at the wrongness of it all, protesting to an unfair God.

He needed to

He needed to find Asuna. He needed to. He needed to find out if—

The weight on his head registered at least. It felt almost natural, but at the same time not. Like something that was placed there long, long ago. And hadn't it? He might have been away for years and years, but the weight of a NerveGear upon his head was something he would never, ever forget. Tentatively, he raised his hands to the helmet -

And removed it. Promptly, he set the NerveGear in his lap, staring at the soft, green, blinking light for a second or two. Raven locks of hair fell over his eyes, longer than they should have been, and he felt their way upon his shoulders as well.  
This? This cemented it.

He was out. It wasn't a dream, couldn't be, for this wasn't what he would dream of. Had the server shut down before the NerveGear could register the command to release the electromagnetic currents that would shut down his brain? It was a possibility.

He had no way to be sure. And it didn't matter. He had to find Asuna. He had to find out if she was alright, had to—

He…

The door slid open to his right. He heard the wood sliding through the metal rails on the floor, just as he heard the soft gasp that escaped the nurse or doctor who was outside, same way he heard her cover her mouth with her hands in shock. Only after that did the shift his gaze to her figure, gray orbs turning with his face to stare at the now pale nurse (hey, look at that, it WAS a nurse.) who was holding open the door to…

To what?

There was a reason he had resorted to escapism in the form of VRMMOs. In SAO, he had a purpose, he had friends and he had a focus.

Inside the beautiful castle in the sky, he wasn't Kirigaya Kazuto, useless weeb who lived in a house full of familiar faces he wasn't sure he knew and disappointment to everything anyone had held dear – He was Kirito, the Black Swordsman, one of the Clearers.  
Of course he had known it wasn't forever, one way or another, but it hadn't sunken in until that very moment that he may very well be heading back to the way everything had been, to drown in the same monotony and sidelong glances from…

He held back a wince, just as he had held back his tears when _that_ happened.

It didn't matter.

It didn't matter.

Instead, staring into the nurse's emerald eyes with his own, he muttered the only thing he could, the one and single thing he could think of –

"A-Asuna. Asuna Yuuki. I… I need to see Asuna Yuuki."

His voice was raspy and low-pitched, and his throat burned with the effort it took to pronounce even a single word, after so many years unused. The sound seemed to bother the nurse deeply, as well, because she took a step back in shock before rushing off somewhere.

 _She's probably run off to find a doctor to attend to my condition._

He was rational enough to figure that out, even if he hoped oh so dearly that she had in fact decided to look up Asuna. The emotional part of his brain _screamed_ at him to get his ass off that bed – He needed to look for Asuna, he needed to know she was okay.  
Just as he had done back then on the first floor, he squashed that emotional part of his under his feet and let rationality take over.

He was numb enough not to feel a thing on any limb, so god knows how many tubes would tear if he tried to get up and walk. So he waited, for once in his life.

* * *

Suguha wasn't having quite a good day.

Okay, perhaps that was a bit of an understatement. Her day was, so far, a train wreck of never before seen proportions, in her own opinion.

The raven-haired girl wasn't one to actually let things get to her. That had always been important – Stay cool, for people usually won't. Don't let things get to you, or they'll tear you down from the inside. And she usually didn't feel it was too hard to keep that going. Her life was, if one was to look at it from an outside perspective, good enough. She had friends, even if not many, who were loyal and fun and with whom she spent quite some time with.

She had a supportive family, who did everything they could to make sure she was always okay. Her mother was an Angel, in her opinion and she could never love anyone as much as she loved her.

 _Well, no one except—_

Her Grandfather, though… He was a different story.

They all knew his time was coming. Kirigaya Ikki was already 97-years old, and day by day he grew frailer, weaker – Each day, the old man regretted more and more of his choices.  
She could tell he made an effort to grow closer to her, to them, to make up for his callous behavior back then. And her mother had forgiven him, because how could she not? He was her father above all else.

She, however, couldn't quite find it in her to do the same, just as she never quite managed to forgive herself. And they both knew why, how could they not, but there was a silent, unbreakable agreement between the members of the Kirigaya household that it wasn't to be addressed. And yet, he had the _gall_ to talk to her about Kazuto. After what he did to him, so long ago – After the night that had sent everything to utter shit. To _her_ , who had known about it and done nothing, because she was afraid.

Her mother had told her it was okay; she did what anyone else would have when faced with what she had found out. Her grandfather was scary, and, as much as she valued her brother – cousin? Something else? – above all else, her fear of being punished as well if she dared to say anything had overcome her righteous anger.

She had promised to him, the next day, that she would practice twice as hard. And he had agreed, because the fiery determination in her eyes was unwavering, and perhaps because he could feel the fallout as well as she could. But no amount of promises would ever erase the hurt in his eyes as he looked up at her from the corner in the dojo, face bruised and lip bloodied, even as she ran off.

Nor would she ever forget the cold look in his eyes the next day.

That was something she had to live with, had had to do so even before he had fallen for Kayaba's death trap and would do so long after, whether he survived or –

No.

She refused to think it. She refused to even consider it.

Her shinai felt heavier than it ever had against her back – Perhaps only now she felt the weight of her own mistakes on her makeshift band-aid on a bleeding wound.

Suguha sighed, sliding open the door to her door. No lights were turned on, but the shadows cast all over the house were gentle, comforting. It was just as lonely as it was homey, and really, wasn't that fitting?

The girl set her Kendo Equipment just by the door, lacking the energy to drag it all upstairs. She'd return to do so in a few hours – In the meantime, Suguha planned on taking a long, warm shower and then enjoying a few hours in Alfheim all by herself.

Alfheim. A game released for the Amusphere, spiritual successor to the NerveGear. It had been a year since she purchased the game and the console, but she still remembered the day with crystal clarity. It was a sad, desperate attempt to feel closer to Kazuto. To understand what made VRMMOs his preferred method of escapism – What made these fantastical worlds so different from reality, in the end?

She never quite found out the answer to neither question, but it was soothing. To be someone else, someone pure, who didn't carry the weight she did.

Her musings were interrupted promptly – She felt her cellphone vibrating against her leg. Instantly, her entire body shivered in surprise, and her aching muscles tensed. A soft sigh escaped her rosy lips, and formed a moist cloud of humidity in the cold air beyond her lips. She grabbed the apparel from her pocket, staring at the caller ID for a second on two.

She was exhausted. But it wouldn't do to ignore a call from her mother, would it?

She pressed the green, glittering button, and placed the cold device against her ear, feeling the glass against the soft skin in her cheek.

"Yes?"

Silence. The tense kind of silence – If a pen dropped anywhere in the house at that moment, Suguha probably would be able to hear it from where she was.

"Sugu,"

Her mother's voice rang against her ear, soft and trembling. And because they knew each other well, she knew there was something _very, very_ wrong.

"Mom? What happened? Is everything okay?"

More hesitant silence on her mother's part. Sugu's heart almost stopped for a second, for she had never seen her mother like that, not since the incident.

"It's… It's about Kazuto."

Her eyes widened.

No.

No.

It couldn't be.

"W-What? What happened? Is he okay? Is he-"

She heard sobbing, but… it wasn't sad. Not the desperate whimper she expected to hear had _that_ happened. No, instead, it was almost relieved.

"It's—He's awake, Suguha. Your brother is awake."

Everything froze. Her heart stopped.

Stopped, fluttered, and started beating again. Her sweater suddenly felt cold against her skin.

"What?"

"He's—He's awake! It's… I'm coming over to pick you up!"

Years would pass, but she would never, _ever_ forget the way she felt right then.


	2. All was Still

Day 0 -

There was this anguish in his chest that simply would not cease to disturb him. Like a flame burning inside his chest, it seemed to burn through his insides, leaving behind a sharp pain that prickled both his mind and body simultaneously.

It took Kazuto a few moments before he recognized the feeling – It had been a while since he had felt like that, since that particular variation of _fear_ stabbed him from the inside and left him gasping for air.

He had felt afraid many, many times. And that's because, in essence, Kirigaya Kazuto was a coward – He was merely experienced in hiding his fears behind layer upon layer of carefully constructed masks.  
And because he was a coward, he had experienced many different kinds of Fear throughout his admittedly short life. He had feared for his life, yes, more than once – But before that, he had already been afraid.

Afraid of rejection. And, before that, afraid of being discovered. Afraid of being hurt by those 'above' him.

Even so, that particular moment baffled him. He hadn't much to fear, at that moment, did he?  
He was reasonably sure his body wouldn't merely give up on him, even if it was still frail as a slip paper, still felt like it'd crumble beneath the weight of his own pathetic desperation at any second. And the doctors hadn't told him anything particularly worrying –

He had been awake for around 2 hours, and he had already been questioned by two doctors about his physical state. And, considering everything, they seemed moderately relieved by his answers – Which wasn't too surprising.

Kazuto had pointed out the danger they'd be in by staying too long inside SAO, anyway. A human body was a complex, fascinating machine, but even it had its limitations. He doubted he'd be able to stand for a while – His muscles had probably atrophied beyond he could even imagine.

His own questioning about Asuna had been pushed aside, however, which bothered him _deeply_. The nurse had promised she'd look into it as soon as they were sure he himself was okay – which he was obviously not.

He understood the reasoning behind it, of course. Rationality would take the forefront always, and, considering Kayaba had kept his promise and logged out every lost soul from the illusion that had been that castle in the sky, the staff was probably too overworked to stop and search for a patient AND take care of him.

However…

However, he –

Whatever. He'd get out of here soon enough – The second his legs were able to sustain his weight, he'd stumble away from this white birdcage and find her by himself, with his own hands.

That was a promise – Somewhere out there, Asuna was waiting for him, yearning to find him just as he was to find _her_.

Kazuto looked towards the large window that adorned the left wall of his room, where copious amounts of light filtered inside, brightening pretty much _everything_ even though the lights themselves were off.  
His eyes burned a little, still –but that was a small price to pay for the assurance he got from the sight.

The skyscrapers and concrete buildings might be the definition of normal for everyone else – Just as they had been for _him¸_ so long ago. But now, after everything, they seemed so _alien_ , so bizarrely advanced when compared to Aincrad's architecture.

 _Uglier, too. Ugly and gray and chaotic – Everything our shack on the 22th wasn't._

He'd have a hell of a time discovering this concrete jungle again. Tokyo was just as much a maze as any dungeon, except you didn't actually have to traverse it all to get where you want.

Or was it? He felt like that was true, but he didn't quite remember.

Aincrad wasn't… From a standard point-of-view, the castle wasn't actually _real_. It seemed real, surely, and it had consequences as real as any war, but it lacked the gritty feeling of dispersed impotence that made Earth as real as it was.

And yet –

His two years in Aincrad seemed to occupy twice as much room in his mind when compared to _everything_ that came before it. It was like Aincrad was the majority of Kazuto's life, and the 14 years that came before his arrival there were merely background noise, gone in a second.

He used to have colleagues in Middle School, right? He was sure he did, and yet –

He couldn't remember their names or faces. School in general, in fact, seemed like a daydream – A distant memory, so long ago that each and every detail had long since escaped his mind and drifted away into nothingness.

His musings were once more interrupted by a nurse walking into his room. The door was left open, this time, but her steps were still audible, and he had trained himself to be alert to each and every sound for two years.

This one was older, perhaps around 40, with a few wrinkles on her pale face. Her lips were thin and her eyes slightly curved, but she didn't look unkind at all – Merely tired.

Which she must be. How many more had awaken today? Klein, Liz, Agil…

God.

He missed _them_ , too. That would be a fun reunion.

Regardless, she stared at him for a few seconds. It dawned upon him that he was staring at her, so she was probably waiting for him to say something.

Weird.

He tried to send her a small smile, but his facial muscles kind of ached when he did so, and so it drifted away.

"Is everything okay?"

He asked her, his voice barely above a whisper, and _GOD,_ he did _NOT_ usually sound like this. Kazuto sounded like he had choked on gravel and then gargled on Sulfuric Acid.

Which would make sense, because his throat certainly _burned_ like he had done exactly that.

The nurse smiled at him, her eyes carrying a certain warm glint that was actually pleasing to see. If nothing else, the woman certainly cared about her patients.

"Your family is coming to see you,"

She announced, her voice echoing inside his head for a few seconds. He stared at her blankly for a moment or two, eyes dull, because the meaning of what she said simply didn't –

Oh.

Kazuto let out a small breath. It sounded more like a whimper to his ears, broken and pathetic, and suddenly, in a flash, the burning fear in his chest simply _clicked_ , made sense, and he understood the reason behind the agony.

Whether he was Kazuto or Kirito, some things didn't change, and one of them was that he was always, _always_ , overthinking things, analyzing details. Yet, once upon a blood moon, his brain and his mouth synced for a split second –

And this was one of said moments. So, he said –

"Oh."

Well…  
Well. _Fuck._

This was going to _suck._ His breath got caught in his throat for a second, and he ended up collapsing back on the bed, head against the pillow once more, eyes up towards the ceiling.

' _His family' was Asuna and Yui, not –_

When she said that, she was probably talking about his moth- Midori, Suguha and…

 _Him._

This had been a small nightmare of his for far longer than you'd expect – One of the many, _many_ vulnerabilities he made sure to keep locked behind snarky comebacks and a strong front. Had he known – He had, but tried to ignore that – this would happen so soon, Kazuto would have talked to Asuna about it.

Okay.  
Probably not.  
They rarely ever talked about their lives outside of Sword Art Online. Not because they were scared to, because Kirito had trusted Asuna with _everything_ and Kazuto still did, would _always_ do – but simply because it had all seemed so…

Far away, in a way.

But still.

The nurse had long since left, probably taking his reaction as a sign of shock (and wasn't it?) and exhaustion, which, of course, would make sense, seeing from her perspective. So – He was alone, once again, and, even though it was all inside his head, (like everything important seemed to be, now) Kazuto could listen to a clock ticking down, _tick tock tick tock,_ just as clearly as he had heard his own raspy voice.

In a few moments, Suguha and Midori and _(he)_ would walk into his room, stare down at him, and then…

 _Then, what?_

He hadn't the slightest idea, and was only now realizing it.  
In his nightmares, on some nights, they would scream and call him pathetic and _(He)_ would…

But that was unrealistic, and he knew so. That wasn't how human beings operated – Had never been, would never be.

The question, however, is –

He had distanced himself from them _long_ before he had ever been locked away. And now that he was back…

 _Whatever came next?_

* * *

If she didn't know any better, Suguha would have guessed she was in a dream. After all, during the period her brother was trapped inside Kayaba Akihiko's cursed Death Trap, she had dreamed about his eventual return day after day after day.

And what sister wouldn't? Regardless of her intimacy with him (or lack thereof), she was _sure_ that yearning for her brother's return was merely natural. Perhaps.

Maybe.

She wasn't really sure of anything anymore. Her head felt like a jumbled mess of lost words, hollow memories and childish fantasies, none of which made any sense together. Her mother held her hand tightly – So tightly, in fact, that it actually hurt – while the Taxi Driver drove them to the Hospital where Kazuto awaited them, but she barely paid it any mind.

 _God._

It had been two years since she last saw Kazuto. Two years. That's 17520 hours, meaning 1051200 minutes, meaning 63072000 seconds, but…

Somehow, it felt like it had been just a month since she last saw her brother in his overly black wardrobe arguing with someone online about some VRMMO through his cellphone while they walked to school together.

She hadn't even noticed the car had stopped until she felt her mother's hand shaking her shoulder, breaking her out of her self-imposed stupor quickly – Her head snapped up so quickly her teeth clacked against one another, and she turned her wide eyes to stare at her mother's face.

It had always fascinated her in a way, the way Midori seemed to preserve her own youthfulness whilst still looking mature. Her black hair was as perfectly trimmed and combed as it had always been, framing her face in a way that usually made her look more business-like.

Now, however, that aura of mature invulnerability that she had grown to associate with her Mother had been broken, like it had been two years ago, and Suguha almost laughed as she realized that, in the end –

Her mother was just as shocked as she was. She wasn't the only one feeling lost and happy and sad and angry and terrified all at the same time – Not the only one whose feelings seemed to form an angry, incomprehensible hurricane inside her head.

They both got up, and, as Suguha watched the cab leave, wheels making barely no sound against the asphalt upon which it stood – She realized.

This?  
This was a gift. This was her chance, a miracle in and on itself – A chance to make it up to Kazuto, to make it up to _herself_.

She gazed upon the entrance to the hospital. A small stairway made out of stone led to a large entrance framed by green concrete, and she could see more and more people crowding the inside of the Hospital.  
Even from her position, watching it all from a small distance, she could feel it in the air – Desperation and hope all at the same time, saturating the air from each and every one of these faces. Some were crying, some were laughing, but the sheer _relief_ that flooded that place was so thick she almost choked.

She tugged on Midori's hand softly, fingers caressing her mother's hand as if to placate her, calm her, even though Suguha's own heart seemed to be exploding against her chest in unbelievable speeds. In response, her mother tightened her hold of her hand slightly, comfortingly – A single moment was dedicated for them.

Suguha breathed deeply, felt the oxygen filling her lungs and stuffing her chest. As she exhaled, she feared she'd choke on her fears.

But what were they worth, now? Her guilt, her happiness, her sadness – They didn't mean a thing if she froze now.

So, she took a step forward. Then, she took another.

In a few seconds, she was inside, her mother trailing behind her. How ironic was it that the one time in her entire life where _she_ would lead and comfort Midori would be this particular day?

The attendant was surrounded by dozens upon dozens of the families that SAO had torn apart, shredded and threw to the wind, condemned to watch a life slowly drift away without any power to do anything – Children and teenagers, most of them.

Suguha prided herself on her kindness. To be rude was simply preposterous for someone like her, especially to a stranger. However, there was no time to waste – No time at all. She bumped against the back of a crying mother, was pushed aside by a father who looked like he had been gifted the world. And she pushed back, for she was just one of the many in this desperate crowd.

It took only a minute or two for her to get to the attendant. Poor boy – He seemed no older than 24, and clearly had no idea what to do at that situation. He kept repeating "keep calm" and "please give me a moment!" as if those words would somehow placate even a fraction of the raging inferno of emotions that burned inside each and every single human being right there and then.

"Excuse me," Midori exclaimed from her right, drawing his attention. His protest died before it left his trembling lips – Her mother had a special way to intimidate people with her gaze alone.

Before he could gather his thoughts, she continued.

"I am Kirigaya Midori. I've received a call just now, telling me my son has awoken and is able to receive visits. I would like to see him."

And, as if an afterthought, she added, her voice turning harsh.

" _Now._ "

And what in the world could be said in response to something like that? The boy behind the counter merely nodded, panicked, and asked, his voice quivering as he took in everything that was happening around him.

"What… What's his name?"

And Midori answered, unwavering –

"Kazuto. Kirigaya Kazuto."

Not even 10 minutes after that, they were both in an empty-ish corridor, walking through room after room and between a myriad of desperate doctors and nurses, each and every one of them looking both overjoyed and overworked. She pitied them, in a way – Since the game had apparently been beaten, that meant…

Each and _every single one_ of the SAO players who had been asleep had awoken. And that's… a lot.

But that didn't matter, either.

The doctor who was leading them was saying something, had been for a while now – But Suguha couldn't make out a word that left his lips, for the sound got lost inside the cacophony of silent shouting that was her mind at that moment.

And then –

All stopped.

They were staring down an open door, leading to a room painted white. She'd been there many, many, _many_ times, but each and every time seemed like the first. The bouquet of white roses she had left him last month was still there, a little wilted but still as vibrant.

The curtains were opened, and light came in with ease , illuminating every detail and deformity in the floor and in the walls.

And, sitting up on the bed he had been on a coma in for two entire years, she spotted the ghost of someone who was still alive. Arms thinner than the Shinai she trained with, skin paler than the sheets of the bed he was on – His raven locks of hair had a dirty, oily aspect to them which accentuated the disparity of the picture beyond her wide eyes.

His hair was far longer now, reaching up to his back and partially covering his face. It reminded her a lot of her mother's, in a way.

She stared at the ghost, black eyes so wide she was certain they'd pop right off her face like in old horror movies.

And, with eyes just as wide, Kazuto Kirigaya stared back.

* * *

Each and every thought that was raging within Kirito's mind ceased to be the exact instant he laid eyes upon the ghosts of his past that stood before his eyes. It was as if, for a moment – a second that could have lasted a thousand years – time had ceased to move forward.

He laid eyes upon his Mother and Sister, and suddenly, in a flash, he was nine again, playing _War_ with them both on the kitchen table and laughing maniacally every time he managed to conquer a country.

 _God._

 _God._

Midori – Oh, _God. –_ looked just as she had when he left, just as she had in the guiltiest of his dreams, the ones where he yearned for –

For what?

Not even that was within his reach at this moment. He was sure that, in a minute or two, his resentment would simply come spiraling back at him in full speed, reminding him of everything that had been and would be – but not now.

And Suguha…

 _When… When did she get so tall?_

She had grown. She had grown _so much._  
Her face had matured, even if she still preserved the baby fat that had made her adorable when she was 12. Even through the jacket she wore, he quickly noticed she had been training diligently for these two years – It was both in her musculature and in the way she held herself, the way her posture was naturally erect but never stiff.

She had grown _at least_ 18 centimeters since he last laid eyes upon her, if not more. And even beyond that, she simply _looked_ and _felt_ older, more mature, less of the child she'd been – they'd both been – two years ago.

This –

He had pictured it, sometimes. Of course he had. And although she had barely changed, she had also changed beyond his wildest dreams, and to see it in real life, to share that single moment of shocked contemplation stole the breath right from his lungs, froze a lump inside his throat.

He –

Kazuto had never been good with words. And when he became Kirito, he had gotten even worse, because, as Kazuto, he at least had to talk to people daily, even if not for long periods of time. As soon as he got the opportunity, Kirito shut himself out for _weeks._ He was _The Beater_ for a reason.

So, his dry lips parted, curving into a small smile – Fake. It was faker than any other, but the emotion behind it was more real than anything that came before – and:

"Hey, Sugu. S'been a while."


	3. Time Moves Forward

_Day 0_

In a way, Suguha supposed she should have expected something like that. It was in her brother's nature to try and 'break the ice', per se – Attempt to make it seem like there's nothing wrong with him, and like he doesn't feel anything or doesn't care about anything.

She was certain that was his intention, here, with those nonchalant words. Funny enough, however, the effect it had was the opposite.  
His voice was deeper, now – and really raspy. She supposed he'd have to get used to talking again, before he could sound normal. And it just _figures_ that it's her brother who will need to talk more often in order to heal.

Irony at it's finest.

However, there was something… deeply nostalgic about the words he'd picked. She wasn't sure if he had said something similar to her, back then, or if it was just the feeling she got from them – "Welcome home."

She parted her lips to answer, but no words came out – Not even a silent whimper escaped her throat. She gazed upon the ghost returned to life beyond her eyes, and froze, because _that?_

That was more than simply surreal. It was something straight out of one of her dreams.

Her mother, however, didn't seem to be having the same difficulties. Ignoring the doctor's protests – "His body is still fragile, you shouldn't…" –Midori Kirigaya shot forward as quickly as humanly possible and embraced Kazuto with all the might of a thousand tiger mothers.

She could her them, her mother's soft sobs, against Kazuto's collarbone. It was a heart wrenching sound, one bursting with agony and relief alike – And for one as composed as her mother was, it was…

Well.

Kazuto smiled softly – Even as his eyes dimmed, he reached out to caress their mother's back comfortingly, bony hand making slow, circular motions. His long hair fell over his face as he lowered it, obscuring much of his features.

It was a grim visage, but just as promising. Suguha found herself staring, burning the picture into her memory until each and every detail was clear – maybe because she feared that, in a moment, she would awaken from deep slumber and all of this would be little more than a dream.

And if that's the case –

Suguha surged forward, practically throwing herself onto her mother and brother. As she collided with her mother's back, Kazuto's lips parted in a desperate "Oomph!", but she didn't really care. In an instant, she had wrapped her arms around him, tightening her hold a little – Desperate for something.

But for what? She couldn't quite tell. Didn't really want to, either, not now.

They stayed like that for a minute at most – Yet it felt like forever. Then, Doctor Fujisaka reached out to nudge her mother's shoulder softly, almost hesitant in a way. And, when Midori's gaze turned to his face, a mixture of grief and happiness and anger at being interrupted, the man announced, his voice low.

"Uh. I'm sorry to interrupt you, but we… need to perform a few more tests on his body."

A pause.

Midori sighed, raising from her position and running her fingers through her black locks of hair. Suguha, for her part, stayed put for a moment longer, holding her brother close.

"Sugu."

She wouldn't take long. Just… a moment longer.

"Sugu."

Okay.

Suguha released Kazuto from her grasp and stood beside her mother, wiping at her eyes with her sleeve. Her entire face felt wet – And it might be, but whatever does it matter?

Kazuto seemed… out of it. Lost somewhere between nostalgia and exhaustion. Which is understandable – Just by looking at him, you could tell how fragile he was, and more importantly, the change in _everything_ must still be shocking for him. It would be for _her_ , at least.

The girl gazed upon him for a moment longer, then nodded for herself. Looking towards her mother, who was conversing with the Doctor, Suguha knew, just as certainly as she knew her own name –

Everything would be okay.

Knowing that, the girl walked out, leaving behind her realized fantasies and fears alike. She walked and walked, until she was far beyond her Mother's sight – And Kazuto's, too –and when that was done, she laid her back against a wall.

The concrete was cold and hard against her back, unevenly poking at her in sharp ways. It would usually be too uncomfortable, but not then. She raised her face to the ceiling above, inhaling deeply – Hearing her own breathing wavering, trembling just as much as the rest of her – and then, biting her lower lip, she counted.

One. Two. Three.

Suguha exhaled. It hurt her chest a little, but in a good way – A real way, one she could be certain was there. Then, once more – Inhale, count to three, exhale. Inhale, count to three, exhale.

She couldn't afford to break down, couldn't –

But too late – she felt the tears streaming down her face, tracing gentle patterns on her face as they traveled, before finally dripping down from her chin and unto the floor. She bit her lip, though – And so, even if she cried her heart out, not a single sound would escape her lips.

And really – wasn't that what mattered most?

* * *

The doctors proceeded to bombard him with questions over questions, poke at every single spot in his body – well, not _every spot_ , thankfully, otherwise… Yeah. That took about two hours.

The man in charge of him – What was his name again? Fujimura? Oh, right. Fujisaka. – had explained his condition to him in great detail, and even though Kazuto wasn't completely ignorant of the specifics of medicine, much of it flew right over his head. However, he did get the generals – He'd be staying in the hospital for around a week or two, before returning 'Home.'

Even now, Kazuto didn't know if he should snort or scream at that.

He would also begin an extensive and intensive physiotherapy after that. _Woo_. Kazuto was _not_ looking forward for that.

Only after he was alone once more did Kazuto manage to let out the breath he was holding inside. It was a disgusting sound, in his opinion – halfway between a whimper and a sob, it represented all of the parts of him he had shed away when he became Kirito.

That was- It was too much. He felt himself raising a hand to his heart, grasping at the fabric that covered his chest as tightly as he possibly could, a grimace making its way to his face as he shut his eyes closed.

He wouldn't cry – Couldn't. Somehow, it felt as if he had run out of tears to spare long, long ago. But the feeling was there still, eating him away, lost somewhere amidst resentment and relief.

Bittersweet. That was what it felt like – A bittersweet reunion, born on dreams and eating those same fantasies away. He could admit this to himself, now – He had missed them, had yearned for them in those hours where he felt like the world was collapsing atop his shoulders.

If he had cried for his mother that night, after he watched his entire guild be slaughtered beyond his eyes, who would ever know? If he had felt as if his heart was being crushed inside his chest whenever he looked at Silica and reminded himself of Suguha, waiting for him outside, then so what? It wasn't like he had to give up all of his fears and resentment to love them.

Yearning for someone and keeping them at arm's length – That was one of those things Kazuto had gotten good at. Watching from afar and convincing himself with some half-truths that this was the way it was, that he deserved this, that _they_ deserved this.

He'd always been good at rejection. Perhaps because he was afraid of being rejected himself.

However – Now that he was here, it all felt insufficient. Not because of some inability to forgive and forget (even if that, too, was true) but because this was a meeting born atop the death of an entire journey. Because being here meant he would never again get to gaze upon the grandiose castle in the sky.

Because each second here felt wasted, thrown away, when they could be dedicated to finding Asuna – _should_ be dedicated to that.

And there was the matter of-

Well.

The obvious.  
He hadn't expected to feel so conflicted, in the end, and thus even his forced smiles felt like they were stuck halfway between fake and real. An undecided middle between two extremes – It seemed to be a repeating phenomenon in regards to his feelings.

Part of him still refused to accept this all as 'real'. Or rather, refused to admit that Aincrad wasn't actually his reality – refused to admit that, perhaps, his destiny wasn't within the castle that floated between the clouds.

The most beautiful of pipe dreams, born from a man who, like him, didn't quite belong where he was born. Kayaba Akihiko was, without a single doubt, one of the most _disgusting_ , _horrifying_ human beings on the planet, but-

Kirito simply could _not_ make himself hate the man. And the reason for that is that, for all of the sheer _fuck up_ that Kayaba had ended up making Kazuto's life into, they were alike in _far_ more ways than they were different.

Up there, on that transparent platform above the clouds, as he overlooked the collapsing conglomerate of dreams in the form of a castle deep below, Kirito had looked upon the figure of Kayaba Akihiko, and saw himself.

Well, it mattered very little now, huh? This was the definition of 'When all was said and done.' The thought was agonizing in a way he couldn't quite put words to, as if they'd fail the truth of it – He found his hand reaching out to his back, fingers grasping the hollow memory of the hilt of a sword no longer there.

Kirito paused.

And Kazuto let out a long-suffering sight. That'd take a while to get used to.

Like, you know – Everything else.

Absent-mindedly, he rose from his spot at the bed. From what he could tell, most tubes had been removed, and the ones that hadn't were connected to his IV, so he could at least walk around a little if he made sure to hold onto it.

Not an idea his doctors would like, probably, but he just _needed_ to feel in control of his own body for a while. That feeling of crippling powerlessness – It rattled him deeply. Just a few hours ago, he was able to leap the length of an entire room, and now?

He had been reduced to _this._ How appropriate.

Even from the great beyond, Kayaba found a way to fuck him up, even if indirectly. Just fitting, isn't it?

Kirito grasped the metal pole of his IV, taking care not to touch any tube or the likes. And, using it as a support, he got up –

Or, you know, Tried to. He collapsed almost instantly – His legs giving up beneath the unexpected weight. Thankfully, he hadn't actually risen too much, so he merely fell back onto the bed.

 _Welp. Let's try again. Can't be a wimp and stay here forever, now can I?_

Kirito rose. His legs trembled, but didn't give – His desire overweighting his physical weakness, standing tall to represent his desire for whatever it was his heart seemed to scream for tirelessly.

Right.

Right.

Kazuto stepped forward. His knee ached, burned, but didn't waver – And so he stepped forward once more, and once more, until finally – He was walking. Supporting his weight on the IV pole, for sure, but walking.

The door was left open, thankfully, because if he had to let go of his makeshift crutch in order to open it, Kazuto was certain he would fall to the floor below in a messy, pathetic heap.

He stepped outside. The doctors were running around tirelessly, overworked to the bone, going in and out of room after room, talking and screaming at each other about petty nothings. It was a sad visage, to be honest, even if completely understandable.

How many players had been locked into SAO, again? And then, suddenly, they all woke up at the same day. It was _bound_ to be chaotic.

A nurse stopped right by him. She frowned, parting her lips to scold him for being outside, but he shook his head before she could.

"I needed to… Move. By myself. Just… a little."

He still sounded raspy, still sounded _wrong_ , but he hoped the desperation in his eyes was enough to make her understand how he felt. And, by the way her face softened almost immediately, he would say it did.

"Well," the woman said. "Come with me, then. I'll show you around."

Kazuto nodded just once, trying to smile at her, and the woman smiled back kindly, placing a soft hand on his shoulder.

And, so, they walked.


	4. Dragging (Us) Me

_Day 7_

As if in a dream, time began to pass as if a mere whisper of his imagination. His days were monochromatic in their very nature, spent walking around the complex while accompanied by a Nurse – Something he apparently shouldn't be doing until he began physiotherapy – and with blood tests and the likes being performed pretty much every day.

Kazuto was having difficulties accepting this as more than a particularly strange dream. When compared to the colorful vividness that had always defined Aincrad, this was simply too _dim_ , too _bland_. Calm where he was used to the storm, slow when he expected to be rushing. Silent even as his mind screamed at him- _Find Asuna._

He tried to, of course. But she wasn't a patient in the Hospital he was interned in, and he couldn't ask the already overworked medical staff to lead a search for someone who could be anywhere in Japan, and to even think about revealing something as intimate and _his_ as his relationship with Asuna to Midori and Suguha was –

Inconceivable wasn't quite the word, but it wasn't quite wrong either. They visited him each and every day, each day with a different bouquet – each and every one of them was beautiful, but paled when compared to the flowers he saw in Aincrad – and a smile on their faces, some faker than others.

He still wasn't quite sure where he stood with them, where things would go after all was said and done. This whole thing felt simply too unreal for him to let inside – So they fluttered just outside the doors to his heart, unwavering in their dubious determination. Kazuto could see the regret in their eyes, the desperate attempts at comfort and determination – but Kirito was a Solo Player, had been even before SAO.

What he felt about it, about them, about this place – He would have to figure this all out. Where was he in regards to them? How similar are things now to the way they had been, before it all began? How different?

But – Kazuto knew he wasn't ready for that, not yet. One day, he would lose the ability to postpone it indefinitely, but until that day – He would remain as he was, fading eternally, and deny himself the pain.

When night fell upon his head, as he saw through the window in his room, the nurse named Karen would come to his room, and they would talk. His throat burned each and every time he said anything, but, even for Kazuto, it was nice to talk to someone now and again.

And then, he would inevitably fall asleep – His body was far from what it had been, and even when fully rested, his energy reservoirs were bizarrely low.

And then came the nightmares. The visions that Kazuto had when Morpheus claimed him at night, dragged him down to the depths of Tartarus itself to claw through his sore spots – Torment him with the visages of terrors both real and unreal situated in the Castle in The Sky.

So, each day, at the crack of dawn, Kazuto Kirigaya would wake from his slumber screaming, reeling – Fleeing from the darkness that had followed the Black Swordsman into this world of ruthless reality.

Today, however, was different.

Kazuto's eyes shot open. As per his usual, he was sitting up in his bed, having bolted the moment he waked. Cold sweat trickled down his face like the tears he couldn't quite shed, hand clenching the fabric of his shirt like a lifeline on the edge of a cliff he was falling down from.

Just… another morning.

Yeah. He could… he could deal with this. Kazuto hadn't been knocked down by anyone else before, and he wasn't about to be now. Nope. Not at all.

His hand raised slowly to the air in front of him, and then – Kazuto slid his index finger vertically downwards, in a motion that was instinctual to him at this point. How could it not be? SAO was very menu-reliant, and he, like many other players, had ended up with the habit of checking his Menu after waking up.  
Ironically enough, his eyes actually widened when the menu didn't actually form before his eyes. He held his hand in front of his eyes for a second or two, staring at it for a moment-

And then, as the familiar dim light of realization lit up his gray pupils, his lips – cracked and dehydrated as they looked, even if not as much as they were when he first woke up – curved into a small, bittersweet smile. It was humorless, but not _negative_ – Rather, it carried a special kind of realization on it that seemed eternally fragile.

The raven lifted himself from the bed with difficulty, legs trembling under his weight even as he supported himself with the aid of the IV, but it was easier now – and it was bound to get easier. Kazuto had been playing MMOs for a _long_ time now, and if there was one thing he had learned, is that strength comes with repetition – Even if, in this case, it was more about reclaiming the strength he had lost, instead of simply going beyond the normal.

Maybe a better metaphor would be the period one had to spend waiting for the end of a Debuff?

…Perhaps comparing everything to SAO, or MMOs in general, wasn't exactly smart, but it was kind of hard not to, all things considered.

The door was left open at this point, thankfully enough. The nurses knew better than to try and keep him down, and would rather simply supervise him and make sure he didn't hurt himself. It was something between care for his psychological health and respect for his decision to remain active.  
It's not like there was a _shortage_ of active medical staff outside on any given moment. Kazuto had never seen anyone quite as overworked, but they didn't seem to hold it against anyone, nor to feel bitter about it.

For someone to become a doctor, they had to have _some_ care for the health of other people, he supposed. And looking at it from that angle, to see a group of innocent patients all waking up from comas was probably akin to a miracle for these people.

The steps he took to reach the corridor no longer physically hurt as much – even if it anguished him to be so powerless. It was as much a sign of progress as anything else, Kazuto supposed.

As soon as he was outside, Kazuto was approached by a man – The local Psychiatrist, he believed. Dr. Terunami, if Kazuto wasn't mistaken. He, like much of the local staff, were very kind-hearted and nice, but Kazuto couldn't say he actively enjoyed their interactions.

No matter how nice they acted, or how they tried not to patronize him, Kazuto – He knew that gaze. That look.  
 _He hated it._ To be looked upon like a _victim,_ like someone to be _pitied._

He knew that look. He'd seen it way too many times not to – Through corners, or on those rare instances when Mom- _Midori_ would mention _him_ and then look upon him 'discreetly'.

Still, he smiled to the man – or tried to, at least. And the doctor smiled back at him.

"Ah, Kirigaya-san!"

 _That is not my name._

Kirito nodded at him.

"Terunami-san, good morning."

"Good morning indeed! You've arrived just at the right moment, actually."

Oh?

Kazuto wasn't quite sure what the man meant by that, but he couldn't help but feel his interest piqued by the words. Raising an eyebrow, the raven regarded the man with a curious gaze, eyes like faded coal staring at his face as if looking for signs of hostility.

"Right moment for what?"

Instead of answering right away, the man made a silent motion with his head for Kazuto to walk with him, and began doing just that – Walking down the hallway at a slow pace, one Kazuto could keep up with. Seeing no reason not to, the Gamer followed suit.

"See, Kirigaya-san…"

 _That is NOT. MY. NAME._

"Hm? Is something the matter, Terunami-san?"

The doctor shook his head, smiling still.

"Not at all! In fact it's quite a good thing, I believe. I'm sure you know you weren't the only SAO Player to wake up a week ago, right?"

Kazuto nodded. Of course he knew – No one else could know such a thing like he did, standing beside Kayaba and _Asuna_ as they watched the castle crumble and fall below.

"Of course."

"Good, good. Well, obviously, not everyone involved in the SAO incident was internalized in this Hospital, but we have quite a lot of patients. More than we could usually handle, in fact, but I don't think anyone is really bothered by that. But I digress."

A moment of silence. Kirito watched the man's face closely.

"Anyway – Yours was the fastest recovery in terms of actually walking around, but we have quite a few players who have woken up and could use some talking to. I was going to visit everyone today – Including you, later on – but I thought you might like to accompany me. Who knows? Maybe you'll stumble upon someone you know."

Oh.  
Kazuto pondered upon the motion for a second. His instinct had been to say "No!" instantly, because, somewhere, he still saw himself as the _Beater_. He had made a conscious choice to ostracize himself in order to maintain a semblance of order for everyone else, and even if that reputation had eventually vanished, he had spent the better part of a year and a half dealing with that.

However – That wasn't quite the case anymore, was it?

"I… That would be nice."

Terunami practically beamed at that. Kazuto, for his part, sighed internally once more. Odds are, this would be a little awkward – Kazuto was perhaps the most socially inept person to ever be born, unable to socialize in any context excluding an MMO, and he had ended up building over that himself. But…

"Terunami-san. There are some people I'd like to look for."

"You mean Asuna Yuuki-san, right? You've told me about her. Unfortunately, as I've told you, she's not in this Hospital."

"Not her. I'll… I'll find Asuna myself if I need to."

If the doctor had anything to say to that – which he most certainly did-, the look on his eyes as he pondered over the raven's words, lips parting momentarily as if trying to pronounce something, but then gave up before he did so told Kazuto he had given up. Instead, the man remained silent, nodding as if to say 'carry on'.

"I, uh… I have some friends. But I'm not sure what their real names are."

Terunami nodded.

"That's understandable. Well, if you could tell me their in-game IDs, I might be able to help you. I've already met with some of them, and some of them chose to tell me their IDs."

The implications behind that statement wasn't missed by Kirito.

 _They forgot to answer to their real names, or something to that effect. Makes sense – It took me a few seconds, too._

"Well, uh. I'm looking for… Klein, Agil and Lizbeth… Oh. And, uh, a girl called Silica."

A second passed. Then – The man's eyes widened.

"Well, I don't know most of these, but I do know an Agil. 29-year old, tall, dark complexion, right?"

Oh. Well, he hadn't been expecting the doctor to find anyone – But the fact that it was Agil meant _something_ , maybe because, of all of his admittedly few friends, Agil was the one with whom he interacted the most – _Other than Asuna._

 _Find Asuna. Find her. You have to find her._

Kirito smiled once more – A little more genuinely this time.

"Can I see him?"

Once more, the man merely nodded. Which was good, seeing as it shut down the conversation momentarily. Kirito had been making a conscious effort to talk more often, because he needed to get over his disuse of his throat. It still burned with each and every word he tried to say, and, well – That really wasn't quite acceptable, was it?

And so, they walked. And a moment later – Kirito stood in front of a closed door. It looked just like his, except there was a paper glued to it. It read –

" _Andrew Gilbert Mills."_

Kirito read the name out loud. It had a… strange taste on his lips. It was weird to consider this, but… each and every one of his friends had had a life, a name and a family outside of SAO, just as he had. Before and after everything had happened, this was what they were, had been and would be.

Of course, though – Nothing would ever be the same, would it?

With that in mind, he nodded once for Terunami to open the door. And, when that was done, and the wooden door slid through the metal rail on the floor below, revealing a room just like his own, he was hit by this weird sensation of nostalgia.

He stared at the form of Agil, far thinner than he had been in-game -but still as imposing – laid down on a white and light blue bed, holding the hand of a tall woman with caramel hair. He was still just as bald as he had always been, but his bear wasn't as well-kept.

Kazuto hesitated for a moment.

And then – Kirito walked in.

His first step was loud enough to attract both of their attention, but his effort to 'drive' the IV through the metal rails on the floor was even noisier. His hair fell over his face a little – _God, he needed a god damn haircut –_ but it wasn't enough to hide who he was, judging by the way Andrew's eyes widened.

A second passed. It was strange – Kazuto felt this pull on his face, one he wasn't quite aware of it's origins. However, he followed it.

So – Kirito grinned. It was a beautiful thing, really – Wide and crooked, it probably looked as weird as anything else on his face at that moment, but the sheer _relief_ it exhaled was almost baffling. It signaled a _victory_ far greater than simply the meeting of two friends –

It screamed. _We've been beaten, but we've won. We've stared the devil in the face, and we've emerged._

Agil practically shot up, sitting up on the bed. The woman – _Was that his wife? –_ seemed to try and make him lay back once more, but she was promptly ignored at that moment. The man gazed upon Kirito, and his lips shifted to mirror the exact same grin on Kirito's face.

This was the bond that could only be forged inside The Death Game. He was close to Agil like he was close to Klein, to Lizbeth – And he was close to them because he _trusted them_ , just like they _trusted him_. It was a mutual relationship born out of necessity and care alike, out of people who had _nothing_ in common but found camaraderie over the challenge they braved together.

Regardless of age, of occupation and of anything else, they were friends, and would be until the end times.

"Holy _fuck._ Kirito, you look like _hell_."

A scathing remark it may have sounded like, but it was filled with nothing but good intentions and relief. And those feelings Kirito could mirror.

"You're one to say, Skeletor. At least I'm up on my feet."

Another moment of silence. And then, the woman's eyes widened. Before Kazuto could do anything – She walked up to him and pulled him into a tight hug.

She was remarkably strong – About as tall as Midori, but far stronger physically, the woman's arms wrapped around his frail body in what felt like an inescapable grasp , but it wasn't quite uncomfortable.

There were just – So many feelings there. Kirito couldn't quite deal with feelings, so he placed his hands on her back, even as he felt her face wetting his collarbone.

"Thank you," she muttered, voice muffled by the cloth. "Thank you _so much._ "

Agil merely nodded at him, grin never leaving his face. And, as much as Kazuto had grown to be uncomfortable around physical contact, his own smile didn't so much as waver.

 _Maybe… there's more to being out of Sword Art Online_ _than just looking for Asuna, huh?_

He had given them their reconnection. These are two people who loved each other even through the barriers that separated them – How many times had Agil told him about his wife? He had lost count.  
But each and every time, Kirito, the Black Swordsman, had noted – These are the words of a lovestruck fool.

And those words ended up being quite beautiful in their own right, huh?  
Well, one thing was certain.

Getting stuck inside Sword Art Online was maybe the best thing to ever happen to him. But this?

He wouldn't trade this for the world. His friends deserved as much.


End file.
